No mas, no mas

Alrighty, so now you know what’s recently gone on in the physical world of Laura Beth, let’s detail a little of the emotional. (Ha! G'luck with that. This ain't happy, yet. As before, with the troughs and peaks, I've reached another trough. But, even now I can feel it moving back up, which I hope to detail soon.)

(Ah, I also wrote most of this on Sunday and Monday night. In my next post, you'll see how a few things change.)

I want to go home. Period. I’m tired of the city, tired of thinking about working someday, tired of kinda sorta living by myself, tired of using this blasted flat’s computer because mine doesn’t work, tired of the dirty/cramped flat, tired of being tired at 9:30PM because I have to get up at 6AM. I want 'normal' things.

Katie Beth is leaving on Friday; I’ve been sad since early last week. I mean, my goodness, I was biting back tears most mornings. Waiting for the Northern Line train, clicking around on the internet searching for private equity fund of funds, chomping down on a McChicken sandwich. Seriously? I’m usually not the crying type, but lately I’ve been finding myself capable of turning on the water works at a moment’s notice. Even now, if I was alone and not about to webcam with my daddy, I’d go curl up and sob for a little while.

Seriously, Laura Beth? Seriously? What in the world is the matter? Well, things hurt, quite a bit more than I’d like. The gnawing is there, every morning. Has been for the past 2.5 weeks since I started working. It’s not just Katie Beth leaving, I’m also getting my first taste of working full-time-- an idea of what it’ll be like after college. I just want this trip to be over. I thought about asking my boss if I could come in late on Friday to see her off, but I’m afraid I’ll cry as her coach drives away to the airport, whisking her back to home, fiancé, and the States. No, I’ll head off to work this Friday as I normally do, trying my absolute best to forget that she won’t be there in the evening.

I don't like crying. If I cry, I feel like I haven't been able to handle my problems. Nor would I let someone see me cry- it's a more public announcement of failure. Perhaps not failure, perhaps more like recognition of hardship. And here I am talking about it, hmph. That's quite enough of that, moving on.

Dangit, I’m angry now. That’s about as colourful as my language gets, and by golly, I’m using it. I haven’t been angry this entire trip up until now. I was just over at Katie Beth’s flat and a lot of the Session II people stopped in for a bit. I had to leave, I couldn’t stay up late, I had to work the next morning. Why can't I play like everyone else?

I try to calm myself by thinking about all the wonderful times I’ve had here. Katie Beth and I really have had some truly enchanting experiences, as my Grandma put it. But I can’t think about them yet with out getting sad and then frustrated that they’re ending. Arg, arg, arg. Why, blast it? Why can’t I go home now? Why do the fun times end? Are there going to be any more good things in the next six weeks?

Don’t mind me, that’s my irrational, doom and gloom side coming out to play. Nasty little beast, feeds off anger and frustration. Mix in sadness and you’ve got an exquisite recipe for a glum Laura Beth. It goes away as I adjust to the feelings, but my goodness, do I have to have them again? Le sigh.

Why such strong feelings about Katie Beth leaving? Well, you see, she’s the most familiar thing I’ve seen all summer. We go to Truman, we go to the BSU. We know a lot of the same people, same buildings, and same places. I’ve known her much longer than a few weeks, unlike the rest of my flatmates. I can talk to her about my day and not feel quite so much like I’m wasting her time. She’ll tell me stories about what’s going on at home, and it’s genuinely interesting to catch a glimpse into her life. I’m happy to listen.

She’s my friend, one that has grown much closer over the past few weeks. We travelled on the weekends and escaped from the city for a few short days. I could run away from the troubles and simply enjoy her company and the landscape around us. No mas, no mas. My fellow escapee is leaving. No more late night planning, no more talks. ‘Tis sad, you know.

(Doom and gloom, I’m tellin’ ya.)

I think what I'm going to miss the most is having someone around who doesn't mind my requests. If I know what someone would like to do/have, I can't stand imposing what I want on them. It's a strange feeling. But see, I could ask Katie Beth to do things with me without worrying as much that she'd rather not. I think I saw her every day except last Wednesday when the Session II folks were on a day trip. She's such a fantastic young woman, and I've loved getting to know her. Goodness, I'm gonna miss her.