The Summer's Backdrop

*sigh* Do I have to keep doing this? Honestly? This is ridiculous. And not cool.

Remember a few weeks ago how I posted saying I was settling in and had reached a crest in the 'culture shock adjustment cycle' but warned I'd be moaning about life again when the internship started? Well, that time is here. Arg.

The gnawing came back. I woke up on Tuesday feeling the same almost physical pain I felt during my first week here. It's during those times (and randomly throughout the day, as I'm finding out), that I question why I'm here. Hm, I suppose it's time to have that discussion I said I'd write about...

So I've been watching my priorities change a bit over the past few years. You see, for most of my life I've been pretty well obsessed with achievement, with 'doing my duty' to work my hardest. But such sustained effort requires sacrifice, usually of relationships. I remember holing up inside my room studying for AP exams, the PSAT, all that jazz. But a good part of that focus faded when I went off to college. It's an age old story, but I too realized there are many, many more people out there who definitely have my smarts beat. So me being the resourceful little student found another obsession.

Business schools tend to pound into their students' brains the importance of getting a job. Sure, that's reasonable, we all need jobs. I usually need something to be planning for so what better thing than a future job, right? Again, sure, makes sense. And so I did. I lined up the pharmacy job, found out that didn't work, and then went searching for something else. London, perfect! Get an internship AND study abroad.

But wait a second Laura Beth, there's a bit more to spending a summer far, far away. Before you take off, consider that you'll be missing your brother's high school graduation, your grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, and your sister's 16th birthday. These events are important to these people, and these people are important to you.

No prob, my dear! Certainly no one from my family would deny me the opportunity to work abroad, and certainly I shouldn't be required to give up such a chance to advance my career prospects. No worries! Besides, I see everyone at home and school enough, often more than enough. Me going is perfectly fine.

*shakes head* That's basically what went through my head at the end of last summer as I planned my coming trip to London. My first night here I was horrified. What had I done? Over and over, what had I done? I put what I wanted--to get ahead with my career development--ahead of what was important to my family.

Here's what I've found out-- people are more important than things. I know, crazy revelation, but it hadn't really sunk in before. Why not, hon? Well, basically because I'd focused on personal achievement for most of the past half decade. Relationships just didn't quite rank so high as good scores or 'being the best I could' (which was really just code for being the best). I'd work harder at making sure I was succeeding academically or professionally than at cultivating friendships with family and friends.

On that first night here after a good cry and a supper of peanut butter and crackers ('cause that's all the food I had), I went to sleep. Jet lagged as I was, I awoke at 2AM and for the next two hours proceeded to think about what exactly I had done in choosing London. I had chosen myself. I had chosen to advance professionally at the expense of the people I was close to; what they wanted was not as important to me. How very, very sad.

God allowed me what I wanted and is now letting me reap the consequences of my choice. Even as I chased after my own desires, He was and is there pulling and pushing, nudging and shuffling that strange gal named Laura Beth. Have I really learned anything between high school and college? Have I not simply replaced one chosen end for fulfillment with another? It's ok for you not to be the academic best, but now you've got to get up top professionally. I'm still using the same means to run after an illusionary end.

And so here I am, bemoaning life again. There's a bit more to it and I'll write about it later, but the paragraphs above are kinda the backdrop of this whole summer experience. I don't really think I'm here to learn how to be a 'research analyst' at a 'third party hedge fund marketer.' I'm here to learn a bit more about life.

Perhaps I should add that I'm beginning to lessen my professional focus. That has interesting and rather surprising consequences, which will be written about later.